Surrender, Don't Upgrade: Healing trauma through surrendering to the heart and soul rather than upgrading and rewiring.

photo by Jovo Jovanovic

I am guilty of pursuing and seeking out intellectual explanations and solutions for many of my behavioral patterns that create disconnection and suffering in my life. I love a good neuroscience book, an interview with medical doctors who work with trauma, and articulate psychotherapists who have a new, creative and logical healing modality packaged in the latest spiritual technology product. I’ve frequently been swept off my feet in an affair with the possibility of rewiring my brain and upgrading my biological software after a series of traumas in my past. 

Upgrade. Rewire. Upgrade. Rewire. Again. Repeat. Upgrade. Rewire.

And yet, I’ve noticed how incredibly exhausted I am with upgrading and rewiring--when is it enough? When will the latest version of myself be sufficient? They say spiritual and physical healing is a lifelong journey, and I absolutely agree--to a point. All this talk about upgrading and using the latest spiritual technology to heal began to feel strangely and eerily familiar. I began to feel like this consumer society we live in was leaking into my spiritual journey, convincing me that the current version of myself isn’t good enough. There would always be upgrades to acquire. And this makes me want to crawl into a black hole in a far away corner of the universe. 

I’m beginning to realize that the most regenerative, genuine, and trustworthy path to healing is not upgrading my biology or rewiring anything. The path to healing for me is radical in that it does not require me to read any books, attend any workshops or certifications, or add another “tool” to my toolkit. What if all I have to do is surrender, let go, and tend to my inner fire, my heart, the things that make me come alive? What if all the resources for a vibrant, intimate, full of love life are already inside of me, no upgrade required?

Perhaps some might feel that in order to surrender, we must first upgrade and rewire to loosen our grip on old beliefs and patterns. And yet this has been the most healing perspective of all that came to me directly from my own soul: a deep urging and longing to put down the books, stop listening to external experts, and tend to my own heart--nourishing its passions, longings, and dancing to its rhythms. I am still noticing impulses to sign up for another certification or read ten more books on the science of my body and mind, but now I realize that these workshops, courses, and books only reinforce my wounded ego that wants to convince herself that she’s “doing the work” to overcome her “broken” patterns. All this upgrading is just another version of avoiding coming home to myself. I seem to have grown comfortable believing that I need upgrading rather than trusting that healing is as simple as coming home to myself.

The real work is doing and being what I love most. That is scarier and more difficult than diving into an intoxicating workshop surrounded by all the good people and all the good feels doing exactly what I’m doing--spending time at a workshop rather than simply doing what I’ve always wanted to do: write, sing, connect with a lover, sit by a tree for hours on end, voice my opinion, laugh to tears, and show up fully as Anne in every room I enter. I want to do the real work, which is gentle and passionate, genuine and fierce, alive and regenerative. 

I want to surrender. To let go. To remember that my body and my brain and my heart are in no need of an upgrade or rewiring. I simply want and need to drop down from my head and into my heart, my gut, and my roots. It’s already here. There are no upgrades needed. My body knows how to heal, and the first step to healing is surrender. Surrender to what? Pleasure. Passion. The things that call to us, that capture our obsession. Rather than spending time and money on tinkering with something that isn’t broken, I’m beginning to trust my own impulses, my own knowing. 

Ultimately it has come down to trust for me. To surrender and trust that pursuing my impulses will not cause everything to fall apart, but might actually cause everything to come together. Because the truth is that if I’ve been so concerned about upgrading and rewiring my brain and biology, it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life and feel like things are always on the brink of falling apart if they haven’t already. So if things feel like they’re already not working, rather than continuing to pursue a path of upgrading and rewiring, I’m doing something completely different, freeing, and healing. I’m surrendering. I’m surrendering to and trusting my impulses and passions to nourish the things and people that I love. I’m no longer in the market for the latest upgrades for my biology. 

I’m singing. A lot. I’m humming as I do my chores around the house. I take Irish sean-nós (pronounced shanos) singing lessons from a woman in Ireland who is passing along an oral tradition that becomes alive in me. 

I’m drumming, finding my rhythm with the Irish bodhrán, finding the rhythm of my ancestors. 

I’m spending time each morning on the trails at the edges of my community in foothills that have long been my faithful companion. At the edges I hear birdsong liturgies that summon the rising of the sun, the sound of the ocean in blowing branches of trees that somehow thrive in the desert, and walk in the light of morning moon. 

I’m following the call to pursue Celtic Shamanism, finding ways to stay connected to my soul and my ancestors, human and non-human. Most of all, remembering my deep relationship to the land and all that she offers and teaches me. She, more than anyone or anything, reminds me that I am home, that I belong, and that my body is wise and full of regenerative power and resources.

I’m surrendering to heal. To come home to myself. I no longer listen to the voices that excite and distract my brain into a narrative of upgrades and rewires. I’m listening to the wind of my soul, surrendering to its currents, its rhythms, and the very emotions that help me create a life of beauty, resonance, and possibilities.

Surrendering. To the source within. Living, no longer fixing. Coming alive, led by my inner fire, pleasures and passions, and my own sovereign song.